Happy Days Are Here Again?

1 Nov

Well, no matter who prevails in next week’s election, don’t expect any one to be singing “Happy Days Are Here Again” As usual the only real winners are the plutocrats who have sufficiently gamed and rigged the American enterprise that elections are a kind of reality show entertainment to be viewed in gated communities offshore hideaways.Though good news for the proletarian and underclasses is more often a cessation of pain and bad news, there are some people dedicated to extracting some measure of humor and chuckles from the not-quite-post-Greatest-Economic-Debacle-Since- -the-Great-Depression era. I’m referring, of course, the Onion News Empire—if you don’t know thew Onion, well,I don’t know how you came to this outpost of quasi solipsism.

Here’s an item that was good for laughs, The Onion Voter’s Guide to Mitt Romney:

And those of you who are inclined to old media, like books, we now have The Onion Book of Known Knowledge: A Definitive Encyclopaedia Of Existing Information (Little, Brown) Here’s their pitch for this epic epic:

Are you a witless cretin with no reason to live? Would you like to know more about every piece of knowledge ever? Do you have cash? Then congratulations, because just in time for the death of the print industry as we know it comes the final book ever published, and the only one you will ever need: The Onion’s compendium of all things known.

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood, and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, THE ONION BOOK OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE is packed with valuable information-such as the life stages of an Aunt; places to kill one’s self in Utica, New York; and the dimensions of a female bucket, or “pail.” With hundreds of entries for all 27 letters of the alphabet, THE ONION BOOK OF KNOWN KNOWLEDGE must be purchased immediately to avoid the sting of eternal ignorance.

The Onion Book of Known Knowledge

There are some confused souls who think that the satire of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert is
a soporific distracting us oppressed peoples from the task at hand—which should be about storming the Bastille. Just in time to incinerate that straw man, Stephen Colbert has released his latest creation America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t( Grand Central Publishing)— 3-D glasses included. In a GQ review entitled The Third-Most Important Book of the Century, Colbert, no shrinking violet rhapsodizes on America Again:

It’s no secret that America is hurting. (Note to editor: Use the most poignant typeface you can for the previous sentence. Might I suggest Weepy Garamond?) In these times of economic turmoil, partisan bickering, and a third thing I blame on the Democrats, Americans are searching for something they can believe in. Something to lift their dampened spirits. Something that costs $28.99 at your local bookstore.

That something has finally arrived: America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren’t ($28.99!).

Imagine if Faulkner, Hemingway, and Fitzgerald teamed up to write the Greatest American Book. Now imagine that didn’t happen and instead Stephen Colbert wrote one. Because that’s what happened.

I believe it was Tolstoy who once said, “First Stephen Colbert wrote a book. Then he wrote a second book. Now a third? Is there any number of books Stephen Colbert can’t write?”

Not convinced— here the publicist adulates

Book store nation, in the history of mankind there has never been a greater country than America. You could say we’re the #1 nation at being the best at greatness.

But as perfect as America is in every single way, America is broken! And we can’t exchange it because we’re 236 years past the 30-day return window. Look around–we don’t make anything anymore, we’ve mortgaged our future to China, and the Apologist-in-Chief goes on world tours just to bow before foreign leaders. Worse, the L.A. Four Seasons Hotel doesn’t even have a dedicated phone button for the Spa. You have to dial an extension! Where did we lose our way?!

It’s high time we restored America to the greatness it never lost!

Luckily, AMERICA AGAIN will singlebookedly pull this country back from the brink. It features everything from chapters, to page numbers, to fonts. Covering subject’s ranging from healthcare (“I shudder to think where we’d be without the wide variety of prescription drugs to treat our maladies, such as think-shuddering”) to the economy (“Life is giving us lemons, and we’re shipping them to the Chinese to make our lemon-flavored leadonade”) to food (“Feel free to deep fry this book-it’s a rich source of fiber”), Stephen gives America the dose of truth it needs to get back on track.

Currently reading Waltzing at The Doomsday Ball by Joe Bageant(Scribe Publications)

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